Finding Out More
by ToInfinityandBeyond
Summary: This is a continuation from the one-shot Finding Out.  Arizona is coping with Callie's earlier revelation and a startling new one.
1. Chapter 1

Finding Out More

A/N: Many thanks for everyone's support with Finding Out. I know it was a tough read, but, tis what the fingers wanted and well I don't mess with the fingers...they are the boss. There isn't any Mallie sex in this fic, however it is still quite heavy. Thanks for reading. x

Continuation: This is a continuation from the one-shot Finding Out.

Summary: Arizona coping with Callie's earlier revelation and a startling new one

Even two weeks after Callie's revelation, Arizona was still in a state of shock; shock that her girlfriend would have slept with someone else while Arizona was still pining for her; but utter disbelief that she had gone back to men. No, the issue wasn't men in general but of one particular one...Mark. After everything that they had been through as a couple, Callie had to return to him...to him...she could have chosen any other man in Seattle, but it was Mark...it was always Mark or that's how it felt to Arizona.

Arizona had composed herself enough to return to work but she was hiding from a particular brunette. After Callie's last words...'return to Malawi' and the horrible mental images she had of them together, Arizona had fled without another word to Callie, hadn't even stolen a backward glance at the brunette she loved with such fervour and passion and whose hope of a reconciliation with was the reason she had abandoned the poor sick children of Africa. Arizona had broken Callie; had left her heart empty and destitute at an airplane parking lot; and now Callie had enacted her revenge; four words had never had such an impact on the blonde's form.

Arizona had imagined their reunion; by now they would have whisked themselves away to a Spanish island to reacquaint themselves; making love morning, noon and night until they both ached from their expression of love. Arizona had yearned to feel the silkiness of Callie's skin against her own; wanted to feel Callie's touch again and to feel her breath on her; but instead Arizona had visions of Callie touching Mark...and those visions were driving Arizona to the brink of her sanity. When she closed her eyes, she saw them together; that horrific vision of her Calliope needing something that Arizona had willingly walked away from.

Arizona didn't sleep; instead she expended all her energy on helping the sick children of Seattle; many of whom had been neglected in her months away by the presiding, and now thankfully, ex-attending. Arizona stole minutes of sleep when exhaustion overwhelmed her, but her rest was fitful...Arizona knew she needed to speak to Callie again, but she wasn't sure if she could endure the heartbreak she felt that this talk would result in. Callie had moved on; that was apparent. Arizona still had hope; even now Arizona had hope that they would be reunited. Arizona had realised that not only did she want Calliope, but that she needed her...she needed her more than she had ever needed anyone before. Arizona wondered if this revelation of hers had come too late.

Arizona knew she loved Callie; that she still was in love with her; but now Arizona desperately wanted the ten kids and chickens and a house that the madman Mr. Clark could so easily have taken away. Arizona remembered being angry; a rage inside her upon realising that one man could have taken away everything that she didn't even know at the time she wanted; how a stranger could have such blatant disregard for human life, for love, for happiness and an ultimate disrespect to shoot at people who were there to help others in their time of need. But Arizona now realised that she and Mr. Clark were not so different after all. Mr. Clark had used a gun and bullets to inflict his pain; Arizona's weapon was her choice and use of words. Mr. Clark had left his victims for dead; Arizona had abandoned Callie at an airport after she had watched, and was an eager participant in, Callie ending her life in Seattle. Arizona had left Callie at an airport knowing that the life Callie was returning to was only a shadow of what it was previously. Mr. Clark did not have respect for human life, love, or happiness during his rampage through Seattle Grace; neither did Arizona as she spoke such cross, unkind and horribly damaging words to the woman that was the love of her life. And this epiphany haunted Arizona...Mr. Clark had showed Callie more compassion than Arizona herself had done.

Arizona slumped back in the uncomfortable couch in the Attendings lounge. The lack of sleep, constant work and the overwhelming thoughts and desires she was having about a certain beautiful Latina had taken its toll; the heely sneaks had not yet been unpacked, the spring in her gait was obviously missing and the infectious giggle that was present for her littlest of patients was slow to show itself. Arizona was Arizona minus the pretty pink bubble; she had shattered that herself and had nobody to blame but the reflection in the mirror.

Arizona feared that Callie and Mark's trysts or their coming together was not just a physical need for closeness but was much more than that. She feared that their sexual acts were not just lust but recognition that they loved each other more than just as friends; that their complicated relationship had moved from being just fuck friends but to soulmate and partner category. Mark had never abandoned Callie; Mark had always been there for Callie in dark and dreary times; Mark had picked up Callie when others had thrown her away. Mark was Callie's rock; her strength when she had none herself. Mark was everything that Arizona wanted to now be, and that irony shook Arizona to her core.

The door to the lounge sprung; Arizona jumped from the outburst and smiled as a tired yet still breathtakingly stunning Callie walked through the door. Callie paused when she saw her ex-girlfriend; they had played the game of hide and seek very well since their last meeting, yet while they could hide outwardly from each other, the feelings they had for each other were obvious to everyone. Callie's breath hitched as she gazed at Arizona; Arizona's appearance was dishevelled if Callie was being kind; if Callie was being honest, Arizona looked like death was going to be upon her sooner than later. The darkness under her eyes became a shadow for her face, the lightness in her blue eyes replaced by a haunting and the cheerfulness usually visible in all reaches of her face was gone.

'When did you last sleep?' asked Callie; the words surprised even her; she had remonstrated with herself that however much she was secretly glad Arizona was back in Seattle, this mess was Arizona's to unravel and Callie would not help her with this monumental task; she was unsure if she could ever trust Arizona again if she was honest. However, after a quick glance at the blonde attending, the sheer gravity of the situation became obvious to Callie; Arizona's appearance was shocking; she was heading for a fall if not a complete break-down; and maybe right now someone needed to help her.

Arizona looked at Callie struggling to comprehend even those simplest of words. 'It's been a while,' she admitted as her eyes bore holes in the Latina's own brown orbs; the look or stare was one of a pleading for the Latina to never look away; to not make the same mistake that Arizona had made months previously.

'Is it your dreams...', Callie started; uncertain of whether to continue or if she had the right anymore; Arizona's dreams were something she rarely talked about even when they were together; instead Callie would wrap Arizona in her arms; murmur a Spanish lullabye in her ear while the sobs abated and her breath returned to normal.

Arizona shook her head no; and then stopped; and then she shook her head yes; her eyes never leaving the Latina's as a bewildered look came across Callie's face. 'I have other dreams now...' Arizona spoke softly, 'of what you told me last time...' the last few words were barely audible; a whispered whisper from the blonde's mouth.

Callie was taken aback; a blush crept up her face as she remembered how she had, without any emotion or real concern, had told the love of her life that she had slept with Mark; that she had moved on in other words and how Arizona giving up Africa now was months too late to save them. A flash of anger moved into Callie's eyes; why she was feeling sorry for Arizona...the one who had abandoned her at an airport with a useless airplane ticket, nowhere to live, unemployed and alone. As Callie went to vent her frustrations, Arizona spoke ahead of her; keenly aware that if she did not speak first that she might not get any words in otherwise.

'Callie, I have no right to ask this of you...after everything I did to you...but I need to know...do you love him?'

The question caused Callie to physically pause; even her breathing stopped as she digested the words spoken from the woman she still loved. Could Arizona not see what her presence did to her; the tension in the air caused by two souls made for each other; ying and yang but forced apart by events out of their control? How after everything could Arizona doubt the love she had for her and that she could find a replacement in Mark?

Callie smirked; her eyes leaving Arizona's for a split second as she considered her words. Her eyes wandered up Arizona's tired face; her features expressing the melancholy that Arizona had not yet admitted to Callie. 'No, Arizona. I don't love Mark in the way you mean. He's with Lexie now. We were...' Their eyes met again; blue and brown; pink and black; perky and dark; pastel and edgy. 'Mark was..., Arizona. I'm sorry I told you like I did. He is back with Lexie. It was...' Again Callie paused. 'That is over.'

Callie tried to convey a confidence that she knew was missing in her words. She believed most of them, but one phrase wasn't entirely true. Nothing with Mark was truly over and this certainly wasn't; it was far from it. Callie knew that Arizona was in a fragile place right now; Arizona was just hanging on and although this was the same woman that had abandoned her months ago, Callie could not and would not force more angst on her than she could personally handle; and Arizona looked to be on the edge of what she could bare.

As Arizona's gaze pierced Callie in two, a rush of relief came over her when she realised that Callie was not in love with Mark; she still had a chance to win the love of her life back; but this feeling was quickly followed by a sense of foreboding; something was amiss. She had been with her Calliope for two years, she knew the subtleties that lay underneath words she spoke and she couldn't help but hear that something was not right with what Callie had chosen to utter...or not to say. The word Callie had not uttered... if she did not love Mark, he was now with Lexie and it was over, was mistake; why did Callie struggle with saying their union was a mistake?

The understanding swam over Arizona; 'No,' she muttered; before Callie could react Arizona broke their gaze and her body slumped into the sofa further; her arms hugging her knees into her body attempting to hide from this ugly truth; a reality that at this point was too much for Arizona to give credence to as she attempted to overpower the nausea sweeping through her body. If she could have run from the lounge, from the hospital and from Callie, Arizona would have, but she was incapable of any movement beyond this; it could not be true. 'No,' whispered Arizona to nobody in particular, but it was heard by Callie.

Callie silently cursed herself as she realised her secret was out; that Arizona knew her better than anybody else and had rumbled her secret within minutes of first seeing her. 'I'm sorry, Arizona. I haven't told anybody. Not even Mark. I only found out a few days ago.'

Arizona looked up at Callie. 'I know this is what you wanted, Callie. Congratulations. How far along...' Arizona couldn't finish the sentence; couldn't bring herself to say it out loud.

'4 weeks, Arizona. I'm 4 weeks pregnant.'


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: This chapter is incredibly sad and heart wrenching; I sobbed when writing it. I would never ever deal with this lightly; me of all people would not do that. I felt compelled to write it. A good piece of advice I received lately was that although what I write may be angsty and sad, it may help one reader out there. Writing this has helped me. And I am hoping it helps one other, also. So please be forewarned.

Sixteen weeks had passed and Callie's secret had not left her lips nor Arizona's; it was not shared with friends nor family; although at times she wondered how people had not guessed as her smile was never-ending and her happiness was ever apparent. Callie's depression had lifted; that much people had noted; but how they did not notice her bigger size breasts, wider belly, and her gregarious appetite that fuelled the growths in and around her body she did not understand. Callie had concluded that maybe her friends were stupid; loving and concerned but yes very stupid.

Callie was worried about how others would react to her news, so she had decided to keep her secret as her own... for the time being. She didn't expect nearly 4 months to pass without telling a soul; if she was honest she expected a few of her friends to guess...Addy had even visited two months prior and had left none the wiser than when she arrived. Callie kept her pregnancy multivitamins hidden in her delicates drawer and she was lucky in that her morning sickness was limited to being sick for only a few weeks early in the pregnancy. But still, she had expected her best friend, a gynaecologist, to put all the dots together...and the more time passed the bigger and more obvious the dots became. But still, Callie's secret was hers...shared only with the growing form in her belly.

Callie's heart was yearning to make a trip to the baby aisle of the local Toys 'R Us store; admiring the baby clothes wondering how something so small could be in the perfect form of her; five fingers and five toes in miniature to her own; perfection that somehow her imperfect and scarred body had created. Callie spent days and the nights with her hand on her extended belly...stroking the burgeoning form, showing her love and need to a child she had not yet met but whose feelings had already consumed her.

Callie thought of Arizona still and often; Arizona had made the decision to return to Malawi soon after she guessed the news about Callie's expectant condition. Callie was disappointed at first; she still loved Arizona and part of her had hoped that Arizona would agree to raise the baby with her (and Mark when she finally told him), but that discussion had not been broached as Arizona announced suddenly that she was heading back to Malawi to finish her project. Arizona had abandoned Callie yet again, but this time Callie was not left alone.

After their initial breakup, Callie had gone days where she wondered whether the love she felt for Arizona would ever be matched; whether she would ever feel the same intensity and depth of feeling again. Callie had her answer now; the love she felt for the growing life form her body was incubating had surpassed all her expectations; and it scared her. It scared her because Callie was not in control; a tiny tiny human had more control over her than anyone else prior; it was capable of not just breaking her, as Arizona had, but shattering her in a way where only slivers remained; only shards left of a once vibrant heart.

In Week 21, in the early hours of the morning, Callie's world crumbled. Blood. Blood where a woman 21 weeks pregnant does not want blood to be or be seen; not a soaking of blood but dots of blood that caused great concern to the expectant mother. Callie knew spotting occurred and she prayed to her god that he remembered how a loyal practiser of her faith she was; prayed that the tiny droplets of blood were only her own and not of her unborn child; an unborn child that she had recently found out was a girl; a baby girl that Callie had already pictured at her wedding; standing in splendour in a white dress; adorned with a tiara that was befitting of the Latina princess. And Callie...was Callie ever proud standing in the first row of the chapel pew...Callie had aged gracefully; she still turned heads with her swinging hip gait; this had not gone unnoticed by her daughter as more than one of her friends had commented on the hotness of her mother.

The scan photo of her daughter had quickly become Callie's most prized possession; she yearned to show it to Mark; Mark of all people, regardless of his reputation, would understand. Mark would support her from that moment he found out that Callie's body was no longer just hers but she was sharing it with another; Mark would demand copies of the scan; it would become a prominent feature on his fridge where he would not hesitate to proudly show it off as the ecstatic expectant father. Now Callie worried that the scan photo might be all she was left with of the tiny tiny human that had captured her heart.

Panic did not set in. Callie's heart still believed that the baby was alive; the spotting was just that and not a trickle; the baby's heartbeat, which she had a recording of from the other day, was still strong; the kicks although she had not yet felt them, were tapping against her insides which one day soon would cause her to jump with the pressure. Callie thought of the day that her swelled belly would cause her to start the pregnancy wobble; an impression of a very large Latina penguin flashed through mind and she actually laughed; giggled as a cramp descended through her abdomen and into her core. But Callie still laughed as she thought of what she prayed were going to be memories and not just wishes.

Callie was alone; her decision to not tell anyone was now haunting her; and the closest hospital was Seattle Grace; even with the pain Callie was experiencing she dreaded the gossip that a trip to Seattle Grace would surely entail. She couldn't call Arizona; Arizona had struggled with this and Callie could not hurt her more than what she had already done. Between the increasing pains that she was feeling; the pains that caused her breath to hitch and her eyes to spill tears from her ducts, Callie hoped for the best and convinced herself that all pregnancies had complications and that this one was only a small minor concern. The doctor in Callie disappeared to be replaced by an irrational scared women; alone in the apartment and in this world with the exception of a growing life force in her tummy; a life force that Callie had begun to rely upon as her bridge into the next stage of her life.

The pains crippled through Callie's body causing her to fall to the floor; paralysed with its acuteness as she felt a gush from her centre; she finally feared that the life she had loved so much and had sustained over the last 4 months was in jeopardy. She whispered a prayer, in Spanish; no it wasn't a prayer; Callie begged for the life of her unborn daughter to be spared as the pain caused Callie, a grown 30 year old professional woman, to scream out for her own mother. 'Mama Mama' murmured Callie as she fell into unconsciousness on the cold floor.

Callie awoke; at first not remembering the events earlier in the evening; but such bliss was soon shattered as the pains caused the Latina to shriek; a wail that woke a startled Mark from his slumber in the apartment across the hall. Callie's scream turned into a groan as the pains subsided enough for her to get to her feet and make her way to the bathroom; where against her better judgement she sat on the cold porcelain throne as her baby's life force gushed out. Callie could feel the warmth run down her legs; her olive skin soon stained red and her shoes filled with blood. Callie did not have time to feel anything as the contractions ripped through her body; she did not hear the banging on her door or Mark's frantic yelling as he banged on her locked front door. The frequency and ferocity of the contractions consumed Callie's world at that moment; nothing else existed...

5 Hours Later

Callie held her baby...small but perfect in every way; Callie counted five toes and fingers, two ears; a cute button nose; pursed lips. She rocked the little girl in her arms as the nurse prepared a bath; the baby's first bath; clothes were laid out that Callie had secretly purchased; a pink baby grow with 'Rockstar' in black across the front with a matching pink cap and booties. Callie placed her finger into her daughters crinkled hand. Tears silently fell down Callie's face.

The nurse nodded to Callie who gingerly stood up from the hospital bed. She carried the small bundle over to the table where the bath was ready; she laid her daughter to the side of the baby bath and gently removed her from the pink blanket she was swaddled in. With the love only a mother could understand, she gently picked up the tiny bundle and placed her in the warm water; her right hand acting as a cradle for her daughter as her left hand slowly and with much love and concern moved the warm water over her tiny form removing any residue from the short time she had in Callie's womb. The tears that fell from Callie's eyes soon mingled with the bath water as she cleansed her dead daughter; Callie memorised every feature of the baby; attempting to believe the unthinkable; that her daughter was dead; her future was only this one bath; her dreams just dreams and her hopes shattered.

Callie cuddled her daughter into the early afternoon; she changed her diaper; she played with her; she sang to her; she had pictures taken and foot and handprints made. But most importantly, she kissed her, held her and talked to her about how sorry she was to have let her down; how her body was not good enough for the beauty she possessed and how it was this reason that she was now an angel in God's army.

The door opened; a visitor that Callie wished would never come and for a reason she still could not fathom or believe. She nodded as she stood; for one last time, she held the precious bundle tight to her heart and whispered 'I love you' in Spanish in her ear while brushing the top of her head with her lips. Tears she thought she had quelled were flowing again as she handed her precious daughter to the nurse for the short journey to the morgue. Mark had slipped in the room behind the nurse; he gathered Callie in her arms as she handed over the tiny bundle; Mark holding Callie just as she had cradled her daughter only a minute earlier.

2 Days Later

Callie awoke from her slumber to a knock on her apartment door; she expected it to be Mark as he had barely left her side in the last two days. He had a received a 911 page 45 minutes earlier and after much prodding by Callie he agreed to go if she agreed to nap.

'Mark, did you forget your key again?'

Callie opened the door.

'I know you probably don't want to see me, but I came as soon as I heard. Knowing you are hurting, I now know that the only place I am to be is here. So I am here.'

Callie looked at her former lover, the love of her life that had gotten away twice and whom Callie thought she would never see again; the same woman that had initially left her at the airport so they both could find 'their' happy. She remembered the months of sadness that had followed Arizona's departure; Callie had accepted that Arizona was forever going to be the one that got away, but now she was here, she was here again.

Callie fell into Arizona's arms; sobs wracking through her body; the blonde struggling to keep the Latina upright as her legs crumbled from beneath her; her grief finally being shared with the one person who really understood what she had lost. 'You aren't forgiven,' Callie spoke through the desperate sobs and struggles for breath; a rasping sound that only someone who really knew Callie would have heard and understood.

'I know,' whispered Arizona as she clung to the Latina. 'I know.'


End file.
